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Solar Return Journey

“Just because you don’t feel ready, doesn’t mean that you aren’t”

Honoring the journey

Our feelings are not the truth, they are merely reflections which can be disguised, hidden, disfigured, heightened, morphed. Just because we are not ready for growth does not mean that we do not expand. No matter how hard we try to avoid or shrink ourselves, we move, we travel deeper, we venture, and we transform, even if in microscopic ways that we can not perceive.

The solar return….the “birthday”, dreaded for all I have not accomplished yet, dreaded for comparison of what I expected, for what should have been my life, for where she is, for envy of another’s path, and for loathing at my own. I swallow these thoughts, these momentary lapses in judgment. Like ginormous pills waiting at the back of my throat, I can either swallow my experiences, my thoughts and feelings coated in rage and unrest or I can resist their potent healing. I can either let them digest and work with them – or spit them out and avoid their discomfort, side effects and also as consequence risk reaping the benefits of potential medicinal properties.

I have to make a choice, and so I choose to swallow, I digest their medicine, I cry for the pain of this world that self-doubt and sabotage are my first thoughts and then I rejoice for I am alive, I have been gifted another year of experience, another year with myself and all the gifts the human form gives us. I revel at the colors I can see, the things I sense that I can not put words to, the memories, the imagination and the connections. I realize the connection missing most, the one that I so desperately need, the one whos disconnection has led to this thinking in the first place, is with myself. In connecting deeply and honestly with myself – there will be no way I can be disconnected from others. Today should be a day to honor myself and the connection I have to the human experience with myself. In honoring, this is how I will grow to fit into the steps of those that I will take. Only I can fill myself up, only I can show myself honor, and only I have the magic to heal me of all the pain that life offers and all the past (life) traumas that are leeched onto my flesh, weighing down my bones.

Only one birthday exists in our lifetimes, it is the day of our birth, not what we call a birthday which occurs every subsequent year. Every year after that is not a day of your birth but an anniversary of your birth, an honorary day to reflect, nourish, expand, explore your consciousnesses and to soak up the journey of your life thus far. It is a celebration of one cycle of the sun since you graced planet earth with your breath, it is a journey, our journey coming full circle to begin anew – another way to teach us about cycles, about rhythms, about movement. This journey is a cosmic dance that gifts us seasons and visible change. The completion of this cycle opens up the door to bring you back, to allow your nostalgia to flare up for youth and your excitement to boil for what the future brings and most importantly, to sit in the space of transition and bear witness to her magic.

“I feel no fear or peace – I just am, and so I exist in the liminal space between experiencer and observer composed of and surrounded by infinite magic”

A birth anniversary is a liminal time when we are between the veil of what was and what is becoming. As we remain stranded in the moment of becoming, which isn’t really a fixed state and yet its more palatable to see these flux void moments of life changes as still than it is to see our everyday life for what it is – in flow. Seeing states as fixed or as a destination allows us an anchor in which to feel grounded, secure and in control.

Our solar return is a day to honor and respect our existence, our path, and the journey we have experienced and witnessed thus far. Our solar return is a tool, so to speak, that allows us to measure growth. It allows us to measure our growth not against others or the world, but against ourselves for the only superiority we should seek is to be superior to our previous self and to shed the skin we have outgrown.

Celebrating the solar return in cycles

Our birthdays help to teach us about cycles on a macro level. We each learn about cycles every day on a more micro level, we have our sleep cycles which we practice daily, our circadian rhythm and the perception of the sun with the most prominent phases of sunrise and sunset. We have the cycles of our shedding skin and hair, of digestion, growing body hair, nails, weight gain and loss, wrinkles, blemishes, mxnstruation, and ones outside of ourselves where we watch flowers grow and blossom and then shrivel, dehydrate, dry and gently come apart. We have cycles of days, weeks, and months we practice and which all influence our rituals.

“Even rituals in which we are unaware, still compose the ceremonial experience of our life and that of our humanity”

We also, if we live near the ocean, experience the cycles of her in low and high tides. We experience the cycles of the moon on a monthly basis, the waning, the waxing, the full and new moons and every state that exists in between. We experience the astrological cycles of the zodiac, the cycles of seasons and as womxn, we experience the monthly cycles of mxnstruation.

Following the sun as a way to learn about cycles is potent as the sun has two cycles; a daily cycle and a yearly one. Through working with the sun and its energy and cycles we can learn about growth, change, and transformation as well as surprise and shadow in the form of a solar eclipse by following its wisdom. We can see growth within moments and simulteanously over time across the span of a year or even decades.

Following and recognizing the solar cycle is medicinal in its use for heightened awareness and transformation as well as the archetypes of light sun and black sun; the yin and yang aspects of the sun, the ideas of heaven and the underworld. With the exploration of both the light and the darkness, the shadow, and the source, we can come alive and radiate our truth. Illuminate your truth, your growth and do not fear or hide in the shadows it creates.

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